The fact that Valentine’s Day occurs this month influences most everything in this issue.

The observation section looks at familiarity and suggests that it doesn’t breed contempt, as the saying goes, but a kind of inattention to the other partner’s separateness – sloppiness.

As counterpoint to sloppiness and inattention, we have St. Valentine’s Day, our annual occasion for giving each other and the relationship special attention – cards, flowers, chocolates, dinner out. (Unfortunately, some couples need a special holiday for doing that.)

This month’s article explores attentiveness – an old-fashioned sounding word that names something absolutely critical for couples intent on building a high-value relationship. Attentiveness is more than an attitude – it’s a skill. The article includes a number of exercises that are good for practice, if you want to work on becoming a more giving (attentive) partner.

The relationship tip this month argues that romance is not just for the infatuated beginners among us. Despite being very familiar with each other, couples who have been together for a long time can still resurrect romance. What it takes, the article says, is something of a romantic orientation to life and experience. Not surprisingly attentiveness is a dimension of the romantic attitude – one that can pay powerful dividends for not much effort.

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Attentiveness – a Gift to Your Partner
On a list of positive adjectives describing the way that one partner ought to treat another, you will no doubt find - considerate, loving, patient, fair, thoughtful, and sympathetic. Somewhere much further down the list, you might also encounter “attentive.”

Despite its ill-deserved obscurity and somewhat old-fashioned ring, “attentive” is a worthy adjective. It aptly describes a behavior well within the reach of most of us that, were we to practice it occasionally, would almost certainly have a positive effect on our relationships.

“Attentive” means thoughtful, considerate, polite and courteous. Its first meaning, however, is “observant.” Put those various meanings together, and we have the sense that to be attentive to your partner means to notice that person’s needs, wants and condition and to respond to them in a caring way.

Most of us can’t give our partners wealth. We can’t free our partners from the obligation to labor. Even time together and good humor may be in short supply. Perhaps there’s much we might like to give but can’t. We can, however, be at least occasionally attentive.

The beauty of genuine attentiveness is that, because it is a powerful act, it need not happen all the time to have a positive effect. For example, imagine that the day approaches when your wife is going to see her brother, from whom she has been estranged for years. To be attentive in this circumstance is to remember that the meeting is coming up this weekend.

To be attentive is to notice that your wife has seemed tense and preoccupied for days. It is to connect her mood with the coming event and to imagine the mingled excitement and dread that she might be feeling. And it is to share with her what you observe, to show concern and ask if she’d like to talk.

To act in this way is to be attentive. Even if one is otherwise very busy, not around a great deal or in no position to bestow other forms of bounty on the relationship, caring behavior of the attentive sort communicates a potent message. It says, “I take you with me in my thoughts. No matter how busy I am, I still notice and care about your life.”

For many of us, knowing that we live in our partner’s thoughts and feelings offsets much that might otherwise be sorely missed from the relationship - perhaps ease, financial security, lots of time together.

Unfortunately, most of us are not naturally attentive. What do you do if you see the value of being attentive but doubt, realistically, that you’re spontaneously going to be that way and are not even sure how to learn attentiveness?

In learning a new skill - and attentiveness is a skill, absolutely - most of us require structure and clear directions. Here are some structured exercises for training attention. Consider adopting one or more as part of your regular routine. If you do, you may come to realize that, in following these exercises, you have been training yourself to be attentive and that continuing to do so will not be difficult.

Suggestions:

1. At the beginning of each week, write down at least one challenge that you expect will be coming up for your partner during the week. Also write down one way in which you could connect with your partner about that challenge that he might appreciate. You will then have the occasion to be attentive and the action. Pick the time, and follow through.

2. Give your partner a container, e.g., a bowl or a decorative box. Every few days put something in it - a card, a note, some found object - that says, “I have been thinking of you.”

3. Ask your partner for a list of small kindnesses that she would appreciate receiving from you - e.g., qualities, efforts and accomplishments for which she would like to be noticed or surprises and offers of help or support she would like to receive. Keep the list handy, and make a commitment to do one each day.

4. On your own think of some modest action of yours that would help your partner feel noticed and cared about. E.g., tell her to go to bed early with a book. You’ll clean up the kitchen and take care of the kids. Or offer cheerfully to go to camp for the weekend when he knows you don’t particularly like going to camp.

Practice a little attentiveness. You may be surprised at how positive the results are.

Copyright © 2006 Dr. David Sanford/Promising Partnerships, Inc. All rights reserved. For permission to quote from or duplicate this article, please write permission@marriagesupport.com.

Do you want to read further? See the marriagesupport.com article collection on Appreciation.

Resurrecting Romance - An Easy Approach

Most of us will honor Valentine’s Day with a card or flowers for our partner. We conveniently overlook the fact that, although Valentine’s Day celebrates romance, we don’t really believe in romance – at least between people who have been partners for years.

Romance in its familiar form is a marvelous gift at the beginning of a relationship – a madness of heart and hormones that gets people hooked on each other and sometimes brings them to the altar. That form of romance – which has so much to do with novelty and first discovery – ends. Hence the common belief that romance is mostly or only for couples at the beginning of their relationship.

There is another form of romance, however, which does not depend on two people being new to each other and is, therefore, available to anyone who seeks to cultivate it. Romance of this sort is all about approaching life with a special orientation.

The romantic attitude is open, curious, available, heart-felt, appreciative – and generous with attention, with compliments, with helping other people feel special. The romantic attitude savors experience. It delights in finding what is special in others. It favors enjoying the present over working for the future, likes spontaneity more than routine.

If you want your partner to feel loved and appreciated by you, then experiment with the romantic orientation. Don’t be intimidated. A modest effort is fine. Stretch a little! Any of the activities that follow will be good ones to use.

Suggestions:

1. Serve your partner’s need to feel special. Ask what could I do that would help you feel special? Then set aside the time and do it. (“You are special to me. I am doing this so that you will know that you are and will feel special.”

2. Introduce your partner to something or someone that is truly wondrous to you. Share that specialness with your partner – standing before the ocean, looking closely at a flower, watching your child asleep in the next room, visiting with an elderly person whom you love.

3. Know that no matter how long you have lived with your partner, there is still so much about that person that you do not know. Over the course of several days, get your partner to tell you stories that you haven’t heard before – about her best friend in junior high and what they did together, about what your partner’s father did that you’re your partner really happy, about sports – winning and losing, feeling good, feeling bad, about the pet she had when she was young. Then help your partner feel special in your response to his stories.

4. In large or small ways, we have all been people of character and courage – done what we thought we couldn’t, endured pain, been patient, put others first at cost to ourselves, been exceptionally giving. Surprise your partner by celebrating your partner’s courage or character.

Don’t let romance be a memory from long ago. With a little effort and willingness to experiment, a romantic orientation can be present in your relationship again.