When One Speaks But the Other Doesn't Answer
In happy
relationships, there are contented silences. In unhappy
relationships, the silences are different. Imagine a happy
couple silently sharing the Sunday paper over breakfast,
holding hands on a wordless walk through the woods or working
separately in the house and touching each other with a murmur
or a smile when they happen to pass.
Such silences say - there is no need to speak. We are here
together, secure in our mutual love, content in our wordless
acceptance of each other. Savoring being here with you this
way is such pleasure. Words would add nothing to what already
feels complete.
On the other hand, some forms of silence communicate a
message very different from contentment. Such is strongly the
case when one person speaks and the other says nothing back.
What is being communicated by the partner who fails to
respond?
• "What you're saying is simply too silly to warrant a
response" is one possibility. "To respond would be to become
immediately ensnared in a silly conversation. I am better off
pretending that I didn't hear you say anything (e.g., about
past life karma or emigrating to Canada). Then I won't have to
waste my precious time debating you about a worthless
opinion."
Basically this silence says you're a crank. It could also
say you're a bigot, a fool, a sexist male, a weepy female, a
tree hugger, a paramilitary crazy - or other label. Like all
labels, this one - whatever it is - places a barrier to
communication between listener and speaker. It's purpose is to
justify relational distance.
If the relationship matters, don't label the other person
or his statements. Instead engage with them. Even when harsh,
confrontive things are said, they still support relationship -
as long as both people speak.
• Sometimes silence in the face of provocation means "I am
so angry at you and what you're saying that I don't trust
myself to speak. If I do, I might hurt you and certainly our
relationship. My silence is protective."
• Instead of being afraid of your own anger, you could be
reluctant to engage your partner's. Such would be the case
when one partner feels called upon always to top what the
other partner says: You have a problem with me? I have a
bigger problem with you. You have a complaint? Here's my much
more serious complaint. You're angry at me? Watch how angry I
am get at you!
Anger, unexamined and undisciplined, can cripple a
relationship. It prevents flexibility and the movement of
objection, truth telling, compromise and reconciliation in a
relationship, much like arthritis immobilizes and prevents
movement in the human body.
• The pattern of communication - who speaks and who doesn't
- may show the power structure of the relationship. Sometimes
the one who does the talking is the boss, the important
person, and the silent one is the underling, the person of no
importance whose contribution is neither invited nor valued.
In the "you are not important enough to respond" case, the
speaker gives orders or simply states what is, in an
authoritative tone of voice. ("These children need
discipline!")
He anticipates no response. The silent partner does not say
"I agree" or "Yes, I will." Agreement or assent is already
assumed. In fact, a response might be seen as practically a
challenge, implying that there are two of us here and some
sort of equality exists between us, as in - you have spoken,
and now I, too, need to speak in response. No. There is really
only one person present.
Some relationships are only held in place by
self-censorship. When the level of tension is very high,
conversation becomes a dangerous mine field: Don't go there.
But if you have to, step very, very carefully.
Consequently when one partner exclaims, "I can't stand this
anymore!" the other gets up and leaves. To speak, even to stay
in the room and risk speaking would be to expose the
relationship to the possibility of a dangerous exchange.
Someone might blurt out, "Do you want a divorce?" and before
he could stop himself, the other might answer, "Yes!" Then all
would be lost.
The exploration of negative conversational silences and
their meaning continues in our next issue.
Action Step:
Pay attention to "exchanges" in which one of you speaks but
the other doesn't answer. If you don't speak, ask yourself -
why don't I? If your partner doesn't speak, find out "why not?
Explore: Is there a problem here that we need to talk
about?
Copyright © 2005 Dr. David Sanford/Promising
Partnerships, Inc. All rights reserved.
For permission
to quote from or duplicate this article, please write
permission@marriagesupport.com
Do you want to read
further? See the marriagesupport.com article collection on Communication
Problems.
