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"We're not discussing that." Or "No,
we're not going to do that." Or "This discussion
is finished." The boss claims the right to speak for
both people. His/her use of "we" communicates "I'm
in charge of this relationship." The boss also defines
what is and is not permissible. S/he gets to say, "That
topic is off limits."
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"You just can't avoid screwing up, can you?"
In boss-ridden relationships, the right to criticize belongs
exclusively to one person. The more the boss criticizes, the
more securely his/her power becomes established, the less
power the other person has and, thus, the less capacity for
resisting. With each critical label, the boss gains in authority.
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When the other partner asks for something, the
boss says, "We'll see." Or "Maybe. I'll let
you know." Instead of giving a clear answer, the boss
displays his/her authority by making the other person wait.
To the boss, asking itself is a sign of subservience. The
boss never asks for anything. S/he either states what "we
are going to do," ("We're going to the Grand Canyon
this year.") Or, if open discussion and mutual agreement
seem unavoidable, the boss — rather than risk the loss
of authority — acts alone. ("I'm going on vacation
by myself.")
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"It's your fault, not mine. You're the one
to blame." The boss never assumes responsibility nor
apologizes. To apologize would mean acknowledging imperfection,
thus inviting the possibility that s/he would sometime be
criticized. The boss is careful always to maintain the superior
position. (Don't ever let yourself be criticized is the rule.)
The boss says, "You're sick." And "You're the
one with the problem."
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"You better be careful." Or "I wouldn't
do that, if I were you." Here it's not so much the words
themselves that communicate authority as the awareness, in
the person being spoken to, of what will happen if the boss'
warnings are not heeded. In this instance, the boss rules
by intimidation. "If you don't do as I say, I will (yell
loudly and frighten you, hit you, not speak to you for days,
cry until you're really sorry, etc.)
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"You have unresolved issues with your father."
Or "You're a classic hysteric." Or "You're
incapable of expressing feelings." The boss partner never
asks the other person for information about her/himself. The
boss always tells, and not with an "I think" or
"in my opinion" either, but — without even
a nod toward modesty — as an infallible expert on the
hapless partner's strengths, weaknesses, character, psychological
condition and even basic worth.
Be reassured — almost all of us speak boss talk at least
occasionally. The issue is not primarily the use of language
(Improving verbal etiquette is not what's needed.) Rather the
issue is language used to reinforce the unilateral exercise
of power.
Occasional boss talk is fine — as long as both partners
have access to it. The language of authority becomes problematical
only when language is used to express and maintain the superior
position, in an essentially authoritarian relationship.
For example, making daily lists of chores for the other person
to perform is fine when both partners do so. However, when one
person alone assigns the tasks and the other person completes
them, then — in that relationship — making chore
lists is boss behavior. Similarly, when there's a boss in the
house, "No" is boss talk. It means "This is the
final word!" But, in a democratic relationship, "No"
is just "my opinion," because it anticipates a "Yes!"
of equal strength right back.
Who talks boss talk in your relationship, and what does its
use say about the rules you two have worked out for sharing
power and authority?
Click here for a print friendly version of this article.
Copyright © 2005 Dr. David E. Sanford All rights
reserved.
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